Off Duty
by NaruYasha352
Summary: Red Sniper and Blu Spy work out some post-battle tension after ceasefire.


**Disclaimer - **I do not own TF2 or its characters. I'm just writing them into terrible stories for the sole purpose of potentially gaining a snippet of text in my (dis)honor on **WTF Fanfiction**.

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**-Off Duty-**

The battle ground was silent. All of the mercs had gathered for a later dinner in the mess hall.

Sniper wasn't looking forward to another round of beans and hash courtesy of the their resident Engineer, but he was too tired to go out and track down something tastier. He gave his precious rifle one last going over with his palm before sliding it into his camper van and heading back to the base. The air was hot. He felt like he could use a decent shower.

Sniper walked into the locker rooms which were dead silent as well, and flicked on the lights. They buzzed to life. The locker room was bathed in a hideously bright white light. Sniper walked in, thankful he was rarely without his tinted aviators. The Aussie fetched a clean towel from the rack and tossed it onto the nearby bench. Then he quickly discarded his clothing without much care. After fiddling with the shower knobs, he sighed and enjoyed the rush of hot water on his aching flesh.

The sound of footsteps behind him went unheard as Sniper continued his shower. He began to hum an old tune from his childhood while he washed. As he reached for the soap, Sniper couldn't help but feel his gut instincts informing him that something was amiss.

Indeed it was. The soap was missing.

"I know it was just bloody 'ere a minute ago," the Aussie muttered in irritation.

Something hard and wet pressed against his naked backside.

The Australian tensed, preparing himself for the attack.

"Boo," hissed the familiar voice, hinted by a suave French accent.

"Knew it 'ad to be you."

Sniper turned around and caught the grin of Blu Spy, who was holding the soap like a serious deadly weapon. Then again, the Frenchman's fighting techniques very well could have transformed something as innocent as a lavender scented soap bar into an object of death. Sniper figured it better to play it safe, and turned around with hands raised in a false surrender.

"It's always you. What now, come lookin' for a fight after hours?" he asked.

"Non," replied the grinning Blu. "I came looking for fun."

Sniper watched the bar of soap fall from the Frenchman's leather coated hands. He frowned in irritation at the enemy's playful shenanigans.

"Oops. Clumsy me, I 'ave dropped ze soap," Spy snickered. "Would you be so kind?"

Smiling himself, Sniper purposefully turned and bent for the soap that had skidded behind him when it hit the floor. Moving slowly so Spy could get a nice good view of his best assets, the Aussie plucked the soap from the wet tiles.

"'ere, mate. Let me wash your back for ya," he chuckled, and grabbed Spy, pulling him into a fast embrace. "Oh wait, you still got all your clothes on."

The eager Aussie began to slid his hands into the enemy's suit and work open buttons with deft fingers. Spy squirmed and half-heartedly attempted to free himself from the other man's wet body.

"You are getting my suit all wet and soapy, filthy jar man," Spy teased. The soap fell from Sniper's hand.

"Then you should 'ave come in 'ere with it off!" Sniper responded huskily, working the Blu out of more of his wardrobe.

"Mon dieu," Spy gasped when the rough, wet hands met his cold flesh.

Sniper brushed his lips against the Frenchman hungrily, Spy practicing a false resistance to his touch. He had worked Spy nearly out of his dress shirt and was aiming for the leather belt around his waist when Spy halted him by giggling too loudly.

"Quit, will you? If me mates 'ear somethin' funny, we're both gonna regret it," he hissed, trying to cover Spy's mouth. Spy responded by sucking the Aussie's fingers into his mouth.

Sniper grunted in further pleasure as his dirty mind imagined all manner of naughty, sexy things.

"'ave zey ever 'eard us before in one of our many traitorous trysts, mon amour?" Spy laughed.

"I s'pose not," Sniper agreed. The horny Australian forced Spy up against the shower wall and began digging at his dark blue slacks.

The shower had gone running, unused, for quite some time now. As of the past few minutes, Sniper's mind was far from getting clean. Now he wanted to get down and dirty. Very dirty.

"Spy, you dirty little," he trailed off with another grunt, his entire body aching for relief.

Spy glanced down at Sniper's arousal with huge smile of approval. "Filthy Australian!"

"I'll show you filthy," Sniper breathed, reaching into Spy's pants with a hungry growl. He slid his rough hand down and gripped the Frenchman's engorged prostate.

"Oh, dieu!" moaned Spy, face tensed in a mix of pleasure and pain.

"Yeah, you love every minute of this, don't you," grunted Sniper, his hand working faster and faster around the pulsing flesh.

"Oui, oui, don't stop!" Spy pleaded weakly. He leaned into the Aussie's touch with weakening knees.

Sniper loved to tease his little croissant, however, and removed his hand just before the bulbous gland could swell any further. This made Spy want to cry out in tormented anguish.

"You are so vicious," groaned Spy irritably.

"You'll 'ave to work for it. That's the rules, mate," Sniper scoffed with a grin. He grabbed Spy and brought him to his knees. "Now work for it!"

Spy lunged and devoured the Aussie's moist jungle and began to enjoy himself thoroughly, moaning all the while as Sniper's hands dug into his skull.

"Oh, god, yes!" Sniper moaned in pure ecstasy as Spy's skillful jaws worked at his weeping, velvety core.

It began to throb and grow puffy with his increasing arousal, eventually giving off a light scent of Applewood smoked bacon.

"Oh my god, yes. Work me harder, you fancy French whore!" Sniper gasped, his body growing tense.

The rigidness inside him felt like it was exploding out into a rainbow of sexual gratification. He imagined little baby ducks eating each other to help elevate himself to the plateau of no return.

"Fuck, mate! I'm gonna come!" he declared with a wince. His hands began to shake so badly, he couldn't hold onto the man in front of his rubbery mound of pleasure any longer. "Aaaaa-OOOH!" he cried out, body shuddering with multiple contractions.

"Was it good for you, mon cher?" Spy whispered as he lifted himself from Sniper's cavern of lost delights.

Sniper responded by slamming Spy's face into the nearest shower room wall tiles. With a primal growl, the lust fueled Aussie began to slide his naughty tentacles into his lover's honeyed cleft.

"Oooooooh," Spy wailed in utter rapture. His fingertips dug into the cracked tiles as he bent himself into further submission. "Yes, pound me like you've never pounded anyone, mon bassine. Not even zat little slut, Red Soldier!"

"I was drunk that night and you know it!" yelled Sniper, thrusting frantically while somehow keeping things at an appropriate PG-13 rating.

"Non," cried Spy, shoving off his sweat soaked accomplice in homo-eroticism. "I don't believe you enough. Now you 'ave completely ruined ze mood! I need a minute to gather my thoughts."

Spy pulled out a penis shaped lighter and then a penis shaped cigarette and began to light up.

Moodily he smoked, lost in an inescapable river of liquid jealousy.

Sniper began to sniffle and tear up. "You know I never meant to 'urt you, Spy. You," he daintily took Spy's hands in his, "complete me."

Spy sucked in his breath. It caused him to nearly inhale his penis cigarette, which for some unexplainable reason had become a ordinary fragrant Cuban cigar of the most expensive brand.

"Oh, Sniper! Mon grande folle!" cried Spy tearfully, throwing away his cigar, which burst into purple flames. From the flames, appeared a large sparrow. It flew away on flaming wings. "'ow could I ever stay mad at you! Donne moi ton foutre!"

The lovers embraced each other in a crushing display of lustful sensuousness.

But, before they could further consummate their impending elopement, an armored tank crashed through the locker room wall.

A short, gangly limbed form appeared from out of the smoke and flames, and ran up to the startled pair of incredibly hot gays.

"Spy! Get away from that rat bastard!" screamed the Blu Scout, to everyone's surprise and increasing sexual tension.

"Scout!" both Spy and Sniper gasped.

"He doesn't deserve you," continued the enraged, hormonally excited teenager. "He doesn't love you, not the precum way I do!"

"Why you little!" Sniper pounced on the disrupting Blu brat with all the vengeful fury of a pan full of pistol shrimp.

Scout went down. He swung his tiny fists.

Sniper received a blow to the head which did 20 Pts of HP damage.

The stunned Australian only grew more angry at the boy's unwanted intervention. The only thing that could have made the situation worse was if Scout was a member of the female specie. Good thing he wasn't.

"Only people who've never played the game ship Scout x Spy!" Sniper roared. He pulled a heaping jar of unidentified amber liquid from the tunnel of wonders between his thin, hairy legs.

"That's not true at all! You're just looking for excuses to shame other OTPs that rival your own!" Scout recoiled from the threatening weapon. The boy hunched and scuttled off like a Kenyan Mangrove Crab, to a shadowy corner, where he sought refuge from an impending attack.

"I'll kill you, Scout! Then Spy will love only me, as it should be. And by love, I mean have raunchy sexual intercourse with on a daily basis!" hissed the Aussie vengefully.

The boy raised up on his haunches like an angry Venezuelan Humping Spider. "Not before I kill you first."

"In your dreams, mate."

With a screech of insane hate, Sniper unsheathed his Titanium claws and threw himself at the boy.

Scout fought valiantly, and screamed a little like a young prepubescent girl every time he was hit and his blood drawn. Being the larger man, Sniper easily overpowered him and eventually pinned him to the floor.

"Now you die!" cried the Aussie. He raised his arm overhead in preparation for a dismembering chest attack on the young Bostonian. His hand claws retracted. In their place formed a giant purple buzzsaw.

But little to Sniper's knowledge, this was the very opportunity for which Scout had been waiting.

Once Sniper's defenses were down, Scout unleashed his Musabetsu Kakutō Ryū.

By the power of Scout's devastating strength and ki energy, the Aussie's head was blown clear off his shoulders.

Triumphantly Scout watched Sniper's headless body collapse to the shower room floor and begin to gush blood everywhere.

"Yeah, I did it!" he shouted happily. He donned a white suit and hat, and began to moonwalk back and forth coolly.

"Mon dieu, mon favorite fuck toy!" wailed Spy in awed horror as he stared at his dead ex-lover's lifeless, blood soaked corpse. "Scout, you 'orrible little brat! I will never love you ever, ever, never, ever. You're too short and also you are hideously ugly, wiz your giant buck teeth and small, boyish frame. Go away."

"No! We're meant to be together," Scout confirmed, standing. The Bostonian swiftly moved to bridge the gap between their unrequited lust. "I will bee with you forever, Spy, weather you like it or knot!"

Scout jumped into Spy's mouth and began wriggling down his throat. Spy cried out and struggled for air, and attempted also to pry the smaller man out from his esophagus. It didn't work.

Soon Scout had made it all the way down into Spy's stomach, where he curled up in the wet warmth and laughed in triumph.

"Now we're together forever and there's nothing you can do about it!" Scout yelled from inside Spy's horribly distended tummy.

"Scout, come out of zere right zis minute!" squealed Spy. He began to punch himself furiously in the stomach, but soon had to stop because it hurt a lot.

"No!" Scout responded angrily.

"Fine, you want to play zese childish games, zen I'm going to drink an entire bottle of Maloxx and throw you back up!" Spy declared menacingly.

Spy went looking for Maloxx in Medic's office. He couldn't find any. He was reluctant to ask Medic, but he had no choice. Scout was uncomfortably heavy inside his gut. Spy didn't want to feel like a helplessly pregnant woman for much longer.

"Doctor! Doctor! I require assistance!"

Medic appeared from inside a body bag on top of one of the gurneys. The German was covered in blood and gore, but still looked very sexy. "Ja?"

"Doctor, I need something to make me barf up a large object I accidentally swallowed," Spy told him unhappily.

"Iz it made out of plastic or rubber zis time?" he asked, giving Spy a knowing wink.

"It's not a sexual toy!" Spy asserted angrily.

"Ja, sure it isn't," responded Medic with a loud snicker. "It's much easier to recover zose items vis surgery, you know."

Medic rifled through his medicinal cabinet until he pulled out a bottle of Colon Blow.

"Zis is all I have, I am afraid," he addressed Spy, handing the Frenchman the bottle. "Lucky for you, it zhould be a pleasant experience."

"Non!" Spy stomped his foot angrily. Though he was very reluctant to express the full details, he tried his best to give Medic his problem. "Zat won't 'elp my situation any! Zis is not a sex toy, I told you. It's much larger zan zat."

"Ach du Lieber Himmel! Did you zwallow a peniz pump?" Medic groaned in annoyance.

"No."

Spy pouted.

"Let me take a quick X-ray," Medic said, wheeling over his special X-ray machine.

"Non! Don't do zat!" Spy wailed in immediate embarrassment. Now the crazy German was going to witness his true problem firsthand.

The machine turned on, displaying a big Scout shaped thing in Spy's stomach. Medic gasped first in shock. He began laughing hysterically afterward.

"Vat ze fuck vere you doing togezer?" he inquired through his loud giggles.

"None of your buziness!" Spy spat.

His neck extended several feet into the air and his jaw dislodged. Angrily he lunged down at the snickering German and bit off his head. Medic's body collapsed. There was no blood, Spy's acidic saliva cauterized the flesh.

"Patch zat one up, my dear Doctor!" Spy scoffed smugly. He wiped his mouth, thankful that he hadn't been forced to consume the nasty drug abuser fully. He could already taste the amphetamines in Medic's bloodstream. He could have sworn the jar of cotton balls on the counter was laughing at him.

Footsteps were rapidly approaching. Spy turned and saw Engineer. The Texan was standing in the doorway, looking shocked.

"I can explain," Spy began nervously.

"No he can't, he killed the Doc," shouted Scout from inside Spy. "And he ate me! He's a sick freak. You should blow off his head with a shotgun."

Engineer instead built a tiny Sentry in front of Blu Spy and hit it with his tiniest wrench until it formed a tiny gun, full of tiny bullets.

The tiny Sentry began firing the tiny bullets at Spy's legs. It didn't hurt much because they were about the size of pencil erasers, but it was very annoying.

"Stop zat," Spy ordered.

"Nope," replied the Engineer.

He began building a tiny Dispenser to spite the enemy.

"I 'ate you," Spy grumbled.

Thinking quickly, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. Inside his wallet were tiny Sappers that came in handy for these kinds of unexpected situations. Calmly he disguised himself as a Red Engineer and walked over to the tiny Sentry. He attacked the tiny Sapper to it. It began to spark.

"Damn Spy!" Red Engineer declared angrily and began hitting Spy with his tiny wrench. It didn't hurt that much, though. It was very small. Like the size of your pinky.

"Stop zat."

"Nope."

Spy grabbed the tiny Dispenser and stuck it in his mouth, sucking out all of its delicious, life healing energy.

"Stop that!" Red Engineer commanded.

"Non."

Spy withdrew a tiny knife from his pocket and stabbed the Engineer in the neck with it.

Unlike the tiny wrench, a tiny knife still does a lot of damage. The Red Engineer's throat was cut and he collapsed, eventually dying of blood loss.

Spy suddenly felt depressed about his life. He decided to sneak into the Red base's mess hall and steal some popcorn to use as comfort food for his secretly growing eating disorder. He found a surplus of microwavable bags in the pantry, and took a bag out. In the middle of popping the popcorn, he realized that stupid Blu Scout would be the one getting to eat the most of it, since he was currently occupying his entire stomach.

"Zis will ruin his evening!" Spy snickered, grabbing the bottle of burning hot Devil's Piss brand Tobasco sauce from the table. He soaked the popcorn in it.

Spy took the bowl of popcorn and was about to start cramming mouthfuls when the Heavy appeared in his Grand Duchess Anastasia Fairy Princess costume even though Scream-O-Ween was over.

"Engineer!" shouted Fairy Princess Heavy, throwing glitter everywhere. "You are making the popcorn! Can I have some? Pleaaaaase?"

Spy gasped, realizing that he was still in his Red Engineer disguise and that if he let Heavy eat from the bowl of popcorn, he would probably eat most of it. Then his plan would be ruined. He didn't want to say no to a huge man wearing a Fairy Princess ballerina costume and stinking heavily of Vodka, though.

"Howdy, howdy, howdy! Sure, you all can have some," he said nervously, and he held out the bowl.

Heavy smashed his face into it and began chewing.

While he watched the Russian eat, Spy paused to reflect on his life. It wasn't very fulfilling at the moment. All he had wanted to do tonight was have wild, skanky, condom free mansex with Sniper. But everything had gone wrong. He started to cry. He pondered committing suicide. The Respawns had been shut down due to the war ending. Not like they ever worked all that well anyway.

"I just want to have frequent promiscuous sex wiz hot men who share all of ze exact same kinks I do, but when I try to, everything goes wrong!" Spy cried out in escalating grief. "Why does my life suck so much?"

Spy gave Heavy the bowl, no longer feeling like eating hot sauce spiced popcorn to spite the Scout inside his false man-womb. He just wanted to die. The Frenchman pulled out his old revolver from before all the updates. It wasn't fancy, but it was his favorite. He pressed it to his temple and sobbed heavily, thinking about his many broken hopes and dreams.

"I'll always remember all the sex we 'ad, Sniper, my one true love. We didn't really have much else besides that," whimpered Spy.

He pulled the trigger and blew his brains out.

But instead of brains and blood, there were flowers and cute little baby white mice that came pouring out of his bullet hole.

Pyro came in with a bag of rainbow colored marshmallows and started laughing at the Blu Spy's corpse. Heavy ate the whole bowl of Tobasco popcorn and continued to be a very pretty, pretty Fairy Princess while demanding everyone around him refer to him as Anastasia the Heavy Weapons Princess. And if they didn't, he would punch them in the face.

They all lived happily ever after. Until the zombie apocalypse began the next morning.

But that is a story for another day.

The End.


End file.
